Excellent ways to name your pets: Volume VIII

Be a visionary in your community: call your dog Mouse.

Excellent ways to name your pets.

Generic Animal Names

‘Proper’ nouns.

“Proper” nouns.

Proper nouns!!??? Pfffffff!!! Stick it to those pretentious words by calling your pet by a supposedly unproper noun.

Hell, I’m all for calling a spade a spade: if it’s a dog, “Hello, Dog!” If you’ve got a cat, “Hey there, Cat!” If you have a lesser spotted Eurasian hedgehog, …

You get the idea.

I know what you’re thinking. What if you have more than one of the same kind of pet? You can’t exactly have an entire pack of dogs called Dog, can you? That would be ridiculous. Luckily, I’ve thought of a few solutions which might solve your problem:

  1. Be more specific: Chihuahua, Labrador, Mixed Breed Rescue, and so on.
  2. Be less specific: Mammal, Being, etc.
  3. Misname. Call your Husky Wolf and your goldfish Shark. This has the additional benefit of allowing you to intimidate your neighbours by yelling “Bear!!!!!!!!” at all hours of the day.

Excellent ways to name your pets: Volume VII

Here it is: the seventh in this pet-naming epic, soon to be adapted for film.

Excellent ways to name your pets.

Parts of London and Weather Types

This method is inspired by Brits’ well-documented obsession with weather.

Tip: Can also be used to name cocktails.

  • Islington Drizzle
  • Shoreditch Sunshine
  • Arkley Showers
  • Dartford Flurry
  • Orpington Gale
  • Chelsea Coldsnap

Excellent ways to name your pets: Volume VI

For a compilation of all the naming techniques I’ve suggested so far, please click here. May your lost dog signs be as embarrassing as possible!

Excellent ways to name your pets.

Action star + trademark 

Call it mockery, call it an homage. This is the only surefire method to give your pet that star quality.

  • Arnie Accent
  • Keanu Ageless
  • Sylvester Montage
  • Bruce Sequel
  • Jackie Karate
  • Chuck Meme

and, of course,

  • Liam Loseshisdaughter

Excellent ways to name your pets: Volume V

“Chunder Chaz, GET OF THE COUNTER!!!”

Excellent ways to name your pets.

Lads’ Nicknames

Is your pet a legend, king of banter, or an absolute madman? If so, this is the naming system for you. To generate your pet’s laddy nickname, just use their birthday. (If your pet can’t remember their birthday, you can use yours.)

Be warned, though – if you use this system, there’s a decent chance your family pet will end up called Wanky Wanker. That’s all part of the lad way of life, I’m afraid.


Excellent ways to name your pets: Volume IV

Fido, Spot, Whiskers the cat, Daisy the cow, Ryan the bearded dragon. Do you ever feel like you’re stuck in a loop, as far as naming your nonhuman companions is concerned?

Look no further than this, the fourth instalment in what is soon to be Britain’s premier pet naming guide.

Excellent ways to name your pets.

Nicknames of Prime Ministers.

I was trawling the Web last night, checking out this “Wikipedia” my friends are so crazy about, when I stumbled onto my second favourite page in existence: this list of UK Prime Ministerial nicknames. Representing the age-old tradition of ripping the piss out of whoever’s in charge, the list of names go from the hilarious to the nonsensical, from the sycophantic to the plain brutal.

(In case anyone is interested, this is my first favourite webpage. It’s a Sheffield city forum. The thread begins with a guy asking where he can get 10,000 freshly dead wasps from, and in the following 51 pages, he refuses to answer anyone’s questions about why he wants them. It’s well worth a read.)

Here are my top picks for PM-based pet names:

  • Finality Jack
  • Lord Pumicestone
  • God’s Only Mistake
  • The Spodulator
  • Ramshackle Mac
  • The Grey Man

And last but not least:

  • Horny Henry, the Mince-Stuffed Budgerigar

Excellent ways to name your pets: Volume III

Get out your engraving tools, lads. Your fuzzy friend’s collar isn’t gonna be bare for much longer.

Excellent ways to name your pets.

Modernday Heraldic Titles

Forget Richard the Lionheart and Æthelred the Unready – that shit is dated. For a noble name with a modern twist, simply combine names of authors you studied at school with sciencey jargon you don’t really understand. Hey presto – your iguana has a classy name that suits both his social superiority and forward thinking attitude.

  • Steinbeck the Blueshift
  • Attwood the Eutrophic
  • Chaucer the Saponification
  • Delaney the Vesicle
  • Sylvia the Immiscible
  • Nabokov the Amphiphilic

and, of course,

  • Hemingway the Isopropyl.

Excellent ways to name your pets: Volume II

Go on, register a pet called Honestly Shitfaced at the vet. I dare you.

Excellent ways to name your pets.

Bob Mortimer’s Twitter

We’ve all been there: you get home from a long day at work, your creative juices all used up from composing passive aggressive emails to Karen in sales, and 2when you open the door, you find an adorable pet wearing a blank collar gazing up at you. You know you have to give that little bundle of love a name, but you can barely muster a “Whiskers” or “Spot”, let alone a distinguished title.

Hey, sometimes these things are best left to the experts. For the low, low price of £8 p.a., you can be the owner of a Mortimer original. He’s a national treasure! (Click here for a whole archive of ’em.)

Here are some to get you started:

  • Django Untrained
  • Friendly Toffeebloke
  • Jane Coconuts Gun
  • Wendy Broadcast
  • Bus Pass Ron

And my personal favourite:

  • Threat Level Tesco


Excellent ways to name your pets: Volume I

As I discovered when suggesting names for my soon-to-be-born niece, parents have a certain responsibility when it comes to naming their children: the responsibility not to condemn them to a lifetime of ridicule. This responsibility led my brother to reject most of my best suggestions (Rospanda, Hilarious Jane, and even Willizabeth) out of hand.

Jamie Oliver and other Showbiz types aside, most budding parents agree that it’s wrong to pick your kid’s name based on where your dart lands in Morrissey’s autobiography. This, in my opinion, severely limits how much fun you can have naming your kids.


At least they’ll be well nourished.


No legs.

The same responsibility is decidedly not relevant when it comes to naming one’s pets. Think about it: your goldfish has no idea he’s called Salinger the Isotope, and even if he did – it’s not as if his buddies, Tender Gary and Romeo G. Detlev Jr., have a leg to stand on!


So, let me present part one of what I anticipate will be a very long-running series. I hope I’ll inspire you to give your furry, scaly or feathered companions a name fit, if not for a king, for the child of an A-Lister.

Excellent ways to name your pets.

Translations of Pop Culture Characters.

Do you remember that bit in the second Harry Potter book where Tom Riddle reveals his true identity by showing that his full name is an anagram of I am Lord Voldemort? It’s undoubtedly the one of the most memorable identity reveals in recent pop culture, especially amongst Countdown fans and language nerds.

And what a quandary it posed for its translators, that battalion of clever folk tasked with deciding whether Diagon Alley should be translated to sound kind of like whatever their word for diagonally is. All of a sudden, these beleaguered linguists were faced with the challenge of somehow renaming Tom Riddle so the letters in his name would match up with his pseudonym – a moniker, by the way, that the translators had already had to settle on way back in book one. The results are as ingenious as they are hilarious.

  • Tom Elvis Judusor (French translation)
  • Trevor Delgome (Icelandic)
  • Tom Lomen Valedro (Finnish)
  • and everyone’s favourite: Romeo D. Getlev Jr. (Danish)

Whilst the Chamber of Secrets might provide some of the best prospective pet names, it by no means has a monopoly on them. Feast your eyeballs on these bad boys:

  • Bruno Diaz (mostly obsolete Spanish translation of Bruce Wayne)
  • Tamsybiu Bobas (lit. Darkness Bob – Lithuania’s take on Sideshow Bob from the Simpsons)
  • Laderlappen (Batman again – this time in Swedish. Literally translates as Leatherpatch)


Keep your eyes peeled for more ways to enjoy yourself at your pets’ expense!