Hey, guys, did I mention I’ve been living in Prague for a year? Oh, it came up? Well, did I also mention I’m leaving Prague on Saturday, returning to Sheffield cap in hand? Oh, I did? Well, anyway…
Fuck Paris. Screw Barcelona. Tell Rome to piss off. If you’re looking for romance on the continent, Prague is the place to be. Here’s my list of reasons why Prague is the most romantic place in Europe, if not the World.
pork is the most romantic meat
Just like flowers, all meat has a specific meaning. Lovers have used bouquets to communicate their desires for thousands of years, but did you know that certain recipes have the same function? In Ancient Rome, couples would sext using peonies and flank steak; in Tudor England, peasants, not having enough money to flirt through real meat, would carve carrots into animalistic shapes to accompany a proposal.
You might think your significant other is preparing you a steaming bowl of stroganoff just to nourish your body, but in reality it’s a coded message, spelled out in flesh. A charcuterie board is a novel; a butcher’s window a library.
As we all know, lamb means you think someone’s pretty; chicken is an invitation to dance; veal is too obscene to be described; venison indicates you’ve become enamoured with a local landowner; beef is a marriage proposal; and pork means love everlasting.
Prague, famously, has more pork per capita than any other European city. Grab a loved one, get on a flight, and tell them how you feel in the graceful medium of grease.
plenty of places for sunrise walks
Sunrise and sunset are indisputably the most romantic times of day, because of how fit everyone looks in that lighting. Sunrise is particularly special because of how disgusting mornings are – if you’re up, about, dressed and wearing shoes at that time of day, you must really be into someone. The best date I’ve ever been on ended with a wander around Letná at sunrise.
Prague’s a particularly good city for early morning jaunts because it’s so hilly. The sun might as well not rise in the Netherlands, since it’s so flat you can barely tell. In Prague, though, you have your pick of hills to admire the breaking of the day from: Petřín, Letná, Vítkov, Parukářka, the bit with the castle, Vyšehrad, and even the one to the right of the metronome – no, not Letná, further than that – oh, that’s still Letná? well, even Letná, then.
It is impossible not to feel at least a little bit in love watching the sunrise with someone. That’s why I refuse to stay out later than 3 a.m. with any of my platonic friends – I don’t want to risk them falling for me.
beer is gassy
Romance takes many forms. There’s first date romance, when you wear your best shirt and pretend to find your partner’s Brexit hot takes endearing. There’s budding relationship romance, where you tell each other all your secrets and wait until they’ve gone home to have a poo. And then, when you’re in a long term relationship, everything changes. You allow yourself to be exactly who you are, to let it all hang out. Your partner has seen your period pants. You’ve seen them popping their spots. You leave the door open when you go to the loo.
Beer is a shortcut to that point. I’ve always said Czechs are more evolved than us.