Father/child relationships are almost always complicated, and with such an important figure, it’s hard to know how to go about making the best of a fraught relationship. I don’t claim to have all the answers – I prefer others to make that claim for me – but I do know one thing: creeping doubts about Daddy’s identity only make things more difficult. That’s why I’ve compiled this comprehensive list to help you figure out whether your pater is secretly popular alternative funny man and one half of Vic and Bob Bob Mortimer. Some people think it’s better not to know, but I believe that the truth will out.
There’s a chance your dad’s actually Robert Renwick Mortimer if…
he supports Middlesbrough United FC
Because Bob Mortimer is MUFC’s* biggest, most well-known fan. He claims to attend every home match, despite living in the far corner of the country. Middlesborough’s football hopefuls really aren’t all that hopeful, so if your dad’s a passionate Borough supporter, there’s a decent chance he’s actually Bob Mortimer.
*not Manchester United, despite the confusingly similar acronym.
he tweets things like this
An absolute classic Mortimer tweet. It has all the necessary elements: the northern slang, the suspension of disbelief, the £8. If your dad’s taken to publishing stuff like this, perhaps he is popular comedian Bob Mortimer.
he sometimes disappears for weeks to film a fishing show with Paul Whitehouse
This is an absolutely typical Mortimer move. Barely a day goes by when he’s not packing up his bait and show biz makeup kit and getting ready to gift the British public hours of wholesome, non-vegan content.
Sure, the trope of the disappearing dad is overdone, but be warned: this isn’t your typical ‘popped out for Rizla’ situation. If your dad is specifically leaving to film heartwarming fishing scenes with his contemporary, signs point to Mortimer.
he looks like this
This is amongst the clearest signs. If your father looks like the gentleman on the left hand side of the pic, perhaps he’s actually Bob Mortimer. Conversely, if he resembles the gentleman on the right, there’s a high chance that he’s Paul Whitehouse, and I don’t know how to help you if that’s the case.
he is a big fan of cats
One of Mortimer’s trademarks is his love of the feline companion. Through vigorous and creepy trawling of his Twitter, I’ve concluded that Mortimer has at least two cats, one of which is called Mavis. Mavis, regrettably, has been battling substance abuse:
We’re praying for you, Mavis.
If your dad is Bob Mortimer, and if we assume that he’s trying to conceal this fact from you, it seems likely that he’d hide Mavis somewhere to throw you off the scent. Maybe he’d even send Mavis to rehab, as she so clearly needs. One thing he’d never be able to hide, though, is a fundamental, deep, undying love for cats. Keep your eyes peeled.
he is called bob mortimer
I mean, it was staring you in the face.