June’s Bland Horoscope

No one likes the unknown, especially when bland stuff is concerned. Get a headstart on fate by seeing how your month is going to play out…

June: The Month of Middle Class Hobbies.

The British Middle Class have some of the weirdest hobbies in the world. This month, however, they won’t just fill your time, empty your pockets, and impress your friends – they’ll affect your very fate.

Aries (21st March – 19th April)

Lucky Hobby: Photography.

And not just any photography: photography in black and white, with an expensive camera. No doubt, this is the month to adjust settings that you don’t understand on a camera the salesperson swore would make all the difference to your snaps.

You need to commit, though: get up at four, hike up your nearest hill, and lie in a patch of brambles to get that perfect shot of the sunrise. Then post your best ones to Instagram. I mean, otherwise, what’s the point?

Taurus (20th April – 20th May)

Lucky Hobby: Craft ale tasting.

If you’re a man, you already own ten thousand craft beer books people have given you for Christmas. Fish them out from wherever you stashed them (in the loo, under the stairs) and get stuck in – find whichever beer has the best name and label and order a case of them online. Bonus points if they ship from abroad and you have to wait two weeks for them. Once they’ve arrived, invite all your friends with beards around, and say things like,

“I normally don’t like my hops as malty as this, but I really love what they’ve done with the draught.”

It doesn’t mean anything, but it sounds impressive – and that’s half the battle.

Gemini (21st May – 20th June)

Lucky Hobby: Blogging.

There’s nothing more middle class than impotently flinging your thoughts into the dark hole of the Internet. Trust me.

Luckily, these days, it couldn’t be easier to start your own blogging empire. Just sign up to your favourite site, set your profile picture as you silhouetted against a dramatic landscape, and start typing! Before long, you too can spend all your time doing something you used to enjoy for no recompense.

Cancer (21st June – July 22nd)

Lucky hobby: Any normal sport with a kite.

Get a skateboard. Stand on it. Hold a kite. Done.

Same for surfboard, mountainbike, yoga matt, motorbike, rollerskates, iceskates, horse (real or pommel), or trapeze.

Literally any sport is more exhilarating (and more Instagrammable) if you introduce the complication of weather. How much more attentively would you watch the FA Cup if there was a chance the players would suddenly fly off the pitch, leaving only those clever enough to tether themselves to the goalposts?

The only sport this doesn’t work for, by the way, is paragliding. Because that would just be silly.

Leo (23rd July – August 22nd)

Lucky Hobby: Anything your grandmother did to help keep her family clothed and fed in the war.

This includes, but is not limited to, knitting, baking, cooking (especially with ersatz meat, like facon), making rag rugs, selling flowers, crochet, making your own curtains (black out optional), sewing buttons onto cardigans, and thinning out your bread with substitute (read: gluten free) flour.

Virgo (23rd August – 22nd September)

Lucky Hobby: Collecting vinyls.

Especially limited edition or live versions. Bonus points if you drive to some far flung town to visit a brick-and-mortar record shop.

Libra (23rd September – 22nd October)

Lucky Hobby: Correcting peoples grammar on line.

Most people don’t have the dedication to turn this into a full time hobby, but with a little elbow grease, you can imperceptibly improve the Internet generation’s literacy by dogmatically correcting them, one misplaced apostrophe at a time. And by the way, it’s actually correcting *people’s grammar *online.

Scorpio (23rd October – 21st November)

Lucky Hobby: Facebook-based political commentary.

It’s never been easier to tell the world exactly what you think of Theresa May’s new policy – or, indeed, what you think of her fascination with leopard-print shoes. This month, tell your friends exactly how smart you are by updating your status with derivative opinions that basically amount to watered-down Frankie Boyle tweets. If you can’t be arsed with that, you can just share articles from The Onion. #theresamaybe

Sagittarius (22nd November – 21st December)

Lucky Hobby: Hiking.

Here’s what you need to go hiking:

  1. shoes,
  2. a hill, and
  3. a water bottle.

Here’s what you need to go hobby hiking:

  1. goretex walking shoes,
  2. name brand socks,
  3. shoe covers made from baby seal skin,
  4. breathable trousers with patented ceramic plates to support your calves,
  5. a backpack that costs more than your rent,
  6. three tents (for different weather conditions),
  7. a goose down sleeping bag,
  8. a silk sleeping bag liner,
  9. energy gel,
  10. chafing gel,
  11. antiseptic gel,
  12. Timpsons tent gel,
  13. spare socks,
  14. a waterproof map (in case of rain),
  15. a snowproof map (in case of snow),
  16. a heatproof map (in case of volcano), and
  17. one of those water bottle/backpack combos where you suck the water through straw connected to your backpack.

Capricorn (22nd December – 19th January)

Lucky Hobby: Gin tasting.

Wine tasting is a bit passé, so to have a cool hobby whist still getting sloshed, why not opt for gin tasting? With its burgeoning community of well-bearded micro-distillers, the pursuit of the best g&t will show you all new ways to pretend to like tonic water.

Aquarius (20th January – 18th February)

Lucky Hobby: Gaming.

Advances in the video gaming community have helped diminish the stereotypes many grown ups have about point ‘n’ shooters. Whilst adult gamers used to be regarded with suspicion and a little mistrust, they are gradually moving towards the mainstream, which means you, too, can enjoy creatively murdering avatars so realistic you have to actively remind yourself that they aren’t real people. It’s a great stress release.

Pisces (19th February – 20th March)

Lucky Hobby: Jazz appreciation.

If you pretend to like it for long enough, you can style it out.

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