April’s Bland Horoscope

No one likes the unknown, especially when bland stuff is concerned. Get a headstart on fate by seeing how your month is going to play out…

April: The Month of Local Government.

Everyone loves their local government, but not everyone realises how much one’s star sign affects one’s access to local services. This month, the planet Councilis is particularly close to Earth, meaning that you might experience some unexpected local authority-based happenings!

Aries (21st March – 19th April)

The Good: Waste management. Councilis is smiling on you in this regard, my friends, and your bins will be collected promptly and with minimal spillage.

The Bad: Council tax collection. You had better hope you don’t have to file your council tax this month, Aries. If you do, you will almost certainly be overcharged and have to go down to your local council office and listen to Muzak for a hundred years whilst a grumpy lady processes your forms.

Taurus (20th April – 20th May)

The Good: Consumer protection. Have no fear about buying dodgy-looking products from a shady gentleman in an alleyway this month! If the goods do turn out to be ersatz, your local government will have your back, and it’ll come down on that dirty rotten smuggler like a tonne of bricks.

The Bad: Fire services. Just don’t light any candles this month, OK? You have been warned.

Gemini (21st May – 20th June)

The Good: Transport. Buses will be on time, train drivers will be smiley. Creepy blokes in trench coats won’t wank near you, and you might even get a seat on the Tube.

The Bad: Waste management. The foxes’ll get to your wheelie bin before the proper



authorities do, scattering litter all over the street. This will cause you some embarrassment, as Mr and Mrs Next Door will be able to see exactly how many hot cross buns you picked the cross off and then threw away.

Cancer (21st June – July 22nd)

The Good: Libraries. Escaping a seasonal shower, you’ll duck into your local library, and be delighted with what you find. Books will be free of mysterious stains, people will be reading quietly (but not so quietly you feel intimidated), and the whole place will give you a feeling of great peace and oneness with the world.

The Bad: Strategic planning. All your strategies this month, even if they’re not related to your local area, will be spectacular failures. This is not the time for blue sky thinking – just settle in with a cup of coffee and try not to think about the future. Even the odd daydream could be seen by the universe as a strategic plan.

Leo (23rd July – August 22nd)

The Good: Fire services. If you leave your straighteners on, knock over a candle, or accidentally set fire to your hairspray this month – don’t worry! The planet Councilis has your back. The second you press the final 9 in 999, a fleet of valiant (and, coincidentally, sexy) firemen and women will be converging on your location, thick hoses in hand, ready to make things wet and steamy.

The Bad: Police. If the above situation does pan out as I’ve described it, the police will pursue you with biblical anger and prosecute you for arson and sexualising members of the fire service.

Virgo (23rd August – 22nd September)

The Good: Regional development. This is the month to start any entrepreneurial ventures. As far as the local government side of things goes, everything will be peachy.

The Bad: Transport. Running late, you’ll be forced to jump on the tram without buying a ticket. Unfortunately, this will be the one day of the year that Larry, the overenthusiastic ticket officer, will be on patrol. You’ll be slapped with a hefty fine and, after the dressing down Larry gives you, you won’t be able to look your fellow passengers in the eye for the rest of the journey.

Libra (23rd September – 22nd October)

The Good: Council tax collection. It’s rebate time!!!

The Bad: Consumer protection. After buying what looked like a legit Superdry coat from your mate’s brother, you’ll realise you’ve actually bought an overpriced cagoule made by children (no different than a normal Superdry coat then #satire). On complaining to your local authority, you’ll be met by four hours of hold music that makes your ears bleed.

Scorpio (23rd October – 21st November)

The Good: Police. On handing in a wallet you found in the gutter, you’ll be rewarded with a cup of tea and a long chat with the sarge, a genuinely charming man who will become your lifelong friend and confidante.

The Bad: Libraries. Escaping a seasonal shower, you’ll duck into your local library, and be disgusted by what you find. Everything will be slightly sticky, the pages of all the books will have that icky grainy quality, and the librarian will judge you for texting. You’ll leave the place slightly anxious and rather nauseated.

Sagittarius (22nd November – 21st December)

The Good: Strategic planning. Whether you’re scheduling an appointment or thinking about your next staycation, your plans are sure to bring roses this month. Be warned though – if your strategies fall outside of the purview of your local authority, positive results cannot be guaranteed. (For more information about the scope of your local government, contact Citizen’s Advice.) Scheme carefully, my friends.

The Bad: Regional development. Halt all construction on that shed! This month is cursed. Potholes won’t be filled, planning permission will be summarily refused, the £million development on the ringroad will be stalled – indefinitely. Keep your head down and your nose clean, and you’ll be lucky if that shed is done by the new year.

Capricorn (22nd December – 19th January)

The Good: Cemeteries and crematoria. On wandering through your local graveyard this month, you’ll be approached by a mysterious, well-dressed gentleman. He will introduce himself as your local cemetery ombudsman, and after conscientiously noting down your thoughts on the site, he will reward you for your time with a £5 Boots voucher.

The Bad: Education. Your child/niece/friend’s child/local urchin will give you a really shit drawing you’re compelled to put on the fridge. No one visiting will comment on it, but you will sense them judging you, and you will be resentful of their weighty silences and pointed looks.

Aquarius (20th January – 18th February)

The Good: Education.Your child/niece/friend’s child/local urchin will give you a really great drawing to put on the fridge. Every time you see it, you’ll be filled with joy and wonder at how much they’ve blossomed, and, despite yourself, you’ll smile.

The Bad: Local planning. The blueprints for your rockery will be destroyed in a freak accident. You suspect your enigmatic neighbour, John.

Pisces (19th February – 20th March)

The Good: Housing. When reaching between the bed and the wall to retrieve a lost sock, you will find either

  1. the deeds to the house or flat (if you’re a renter); or
  2. a really sweet kitten (if you already own your place).

The Bad: Cemeteries and crematoria. After a particularly moving ceremony for an acquaintance, you, overcome with emotion, will lean over the coffin to say goodbye. Little will you know that government cutbacks have meant a loose floorboard has long gone unrepaired; it will give way under your foot – overbalanced by grief, you will topple with comic slowness into the casket, which in turn will bump into the table groaning with the weight of so much homemade post-funeral food. The resultant chaos will result in your social ostracisation and banishment from all government owned funeral facilities.


  1. Rosie’s uncle · Apr 2, 2018

    This is a particularly good post – you’ve just got to admire the elegant use of the word “purview”. A vastly superior post all round than the one about random uncle sightings.

    Liked by 1 person

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